Wonder Woman & The Cherry Red Rack Wrecker

Wonder Woman (that’s me) managed to save a ton of women, children and tacky tv gifts from the marauding motion of a motorized scooter at Target yesterday.

I kid you not.

Because there’s a bit of a rush to get our shopping done before the big man in red arrives, (and because Shepard Smith on Fox News said so), my WonderMom was anxious to get out and finish her list.  I knew it would be an adventure…I didn’t realize how big an adventure.

Target is one of our favorite places to shop…they always have enough wheelchairs and scooters for the handicapped. We were excited to head out early in the invisible sleigh to beat the crowd, too. Unfortunately, the crowd had the same idea. Finding an empty handicapped parking space proved difficult – there are never enough of those.

Finally, a young man came skipping out of the store, jumped in a car PARKED IN A  HANDICAPPED SPOT and drove away. My tiara was on fire and my lasso finger twitched.

As we entered the store, WonderMom headed in the direction of a bright red motor scooter with a big basket on the front. Her eyes how they twinkled! She placed herself in the seat and looked out into the crowd.

“You know how to work this thing, Mom?”

“Of course I do…I drove a school bus for years!”

“Mom…that was 45 years ago.  Let me just help you read the instruc…..”

Before I could say Jingle All the Waaaait!,  she was off in the Cherry Red Rack Wrecker. I grabbed a cart and attempted to catch up, praying Grandma wouldn’t run over someone’s reindeer in the process.

WonderMom drove great. The Rack Wrecker did not.

First of all, these scooters go waaaaay too fast. Second of all, there isn’t enough room in this particular store to manuever a motor scooter built by Nascar. Third? THEY DON’T STOP WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO.  I stayed in front of WonderMom to physically stop the thing from hitting anything of value…my backside has metal basket marks to prove it.

SO…It’s a good thing all the clothes racks were on wheels so I could rearrange the men’s department for proper scooter access. The men in our lives don’t realize what we go through for Ultimate Khakis and Fruit of the Loom under the tree.

Think it looks easy?  Let me inform you that turning corners with a Rack Wrecker requires a  Class A tractor-trailer driver’s license.  After WonderMom took out a giant Snuggie display, her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow.  As I drew in my head and was turning around…I FOUND THE LEOPARD PRINT ONE.  Thanks Mom!

Seriously…these motor scooters can be dangerous in a crowd.  I became a traffic cop at the end of every aisle… holding both hands out and crouching in a defensive warning stance to alert mothers with untethered children - waving WonderMom through after the little tots were safely yanked up against a horrified parent’s hip. Chaos and confusion describes the scene perfectly.

After two hours of destroying…er…re-designing the store, we finally made it to the checkout lane. I saw a beautiful beacon of light emanating from the front doors. Success was only a few parking spaces away! All I had to do was spring to the invisible sleigh with a cart full of gifts…and WonderMom, too!

When we sat down later at our favorite restaurant for lunch, I could only utter the words,  ”I need to drink…NOW.”  Our server sprang to the bar, to her team gave a whistle.  Bet she’s seen this affliction before.  The bartender said not a word, but went straight to his work, filled all the glasses then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger aside of his nose and giving a nod…my cocktail arrived. Whew.

Lunch was delightful and we were grateful no one was harmed in our shopping adventure, but WonderMom wanted to stop at one more department store on the way home.  WAITER?!?

I agreed to the next stop on the condition that there would be no more Cherry Red Rack Wreckers. I would be happy to push WonderMom in a regular old wheelchair.  Besides, we have much better success operating school buses and invisible planes.

Have a Safe Holiday!

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